In the moment: stream of consciousness

How to accept I’m in a really bad situation right now and make the most of it creatively and flowingly instead of pushing and fighting.

Good people find themselves in hard times. I think unconsciously there’s still a belief that I bought this on myself that I deserve to be punished. So I worry more what it says about me that I’m experiencing this rather than committing wholeheartedly to feeling where I’m at and that then passing.
From that position I’m hoping the answers of what to do will come. But I hope some other people come alongside me and help me get practical or offer practical support so I don’t have to reach out and ask all of the time. I guess I don’t trust that will happen so I keep on whirlwinding through without a plan per se. So although I got in a general sense of direction and can evolve it as we go along, it’s exhausting.
I wish people would offer to come visit or pick me up so there is a partnership to help me be here and choose to be here freely rather than feeling like a sense of endurance or trapped here. And I wish people would offer to help me sort out my garage to enable me to feel safe in my choice to store my belongings there or help me troubleshoot.
And I wish people would understand that although I get they are busy, what I am longing for is their company to help make my perspective broader and be reflected back to me I can do this and I am not alone in this with me not always have to ask for my needs to be met when I feel guilty for doing so. And I enjoy their company as they are.
That people being secure in their emotional state will know what will help and/ or how to ask me what will help rather than me constantly having to do the work. Or give unsolicited advice from the projection of their discomfort.
I have felt I need to be good enough and please/ care enough for people to first love me and it has stopped me from receiving the unconditional love that overflows and in present in my life. Mainly because I have felt so overwhelmingly alone in this.
I am not anxious when I trust myself and feel empowered in my process. I just don’t know how to find that state of resilience right now or boost it when I feel so alone and unsafe.
But I acknowledge those feelings, know they are valid responses to the situation I am facing, although I don’t know how to feel that acceptance just yet and do need others people to help me know it is ok to feel valid. But I know I need that external reflection/ validation a lot less and I have been  doing a lot to ameliorate the crisis.
I just wish I knew sooner what the lesson was and how to influence the situation more towards green pasture rather than just feeling at the mercy and victim of circumstance. But I feel that’s coming. And back to acceptance.
In this moment I am feeling tearful, trapped, isolated, alone, exhausted, uncertain and sad but also proud of myself for writing this and more hopeful as well as more able to breathe acceptance into it rather than fight it. My first in the moment writing.
So more it be.

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