Alone

‘So, now alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. The thing to remember is, if we’re all alone, then we’re all together in that too.

It helps me sometimes’

I’ve had a bad day. Physically a lot of stress is passing through, emotional processing and trust issues. There’s been no energy to make plans for the future or know how to let new people in, or if I want to.

The thing is, how I am feeling or how I have felt is not static. Just because I have had a bad day does not take away from the privilege it is to have a series of films to fall back on. I have a shelf of them – of life lessons in visual form that speak to me .

PS I love you has been one of my gotos since I saw it in the cinema with an ex. Although I can’t relate entirely to the emotional content directly as I still have my father and have not had a man I love die on me; although several have left.

The above quote sums up the film for me. Patricia is the main character’s mother who had to just get on with things when her husband left with 2 children to look after and used that anger to keep on going when she saw her daughter head for the life she had (her words not mine). Despite this, the insight of fluidity and bigger picture thinking still remains up there in all of the movies I have seen. If we are all alone, then we must be together. There is huge comfort in that.

I have given myself permission to rest and recuperate today. It has been hard as I had to cancel work stuff and also possibly postpone my tattoo ritual. I have felt very alone and unsure of myself. But a larger sense of compassion has arisen – both for self and the situation I am preparing myself for closure for tomorrow.

So ahead I go, not knowing the exact direction, but trusting that not only will others come alongside me on the way, but I will also be my constant companion. Looking after myself the best I can even if the flat is a mess.

There is a lot more I want to talk about from this film and why it is so important to me, especially as Ireland provides Holly with her own chrysalis, but for now sleep.

And to my wounded and grieving heart I say:

I see you, I hold space for you and it will get better.

PS I love you.

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