Three months…long enough to change a habit…to evaluate life and certainly long enough to be a challenge.
I’ve always toyed with the idea of chastity, celibacy….but never had probable cause to. Or the right incentive. With religious connotations or the necessity of a power dynamic as a legitimiser; I felt conflicted. Being staunchly labelled as someone with a problem with authority and also mixed messages at being at the mercy of my drive or somehow oversexed…this topic was heavily laden.
And yet, ever since I read an article in Look Magazine entitled ‘Why women like you are joining the new celibacy club’ an idea had been planted; although I never managed to track down the Prim and Proper Pussy Club – something that still appeals.
It’s hard, however, to separate this story from the assault and the spectre of the anguish and many-time breached boundaries. Or on the other hand, the tale of the self-marriage and naming ceremony on the 7th year anniversary of my graduation and the renewal of those vows. Or even setting aside the well trodden othering of my femality and wanting define my own standards…even exploring feminization.
There are a number of pieces to dissect and create with on this journey; especially mourning the collapse of the relationship that was an offering to the goal of autonomy and embodiment, but also the glimpse of unconditional love I had felt from the man I thought I was going to marry.
‘The tale of the little un-icorn that was’ will also seek to weave some more of my disparate threads together as I wend my way towards a relationship contract with myself, making friends with solitude and my cunt; although not necessarily in that order, as well as framing my existence as liminal and preparing the way for a digital detox to hold more space for this creative space.
I promise no linear reporting as it has been hard enough to write this 2 months in. But I am grateful for the opportunity to breathe life into this experiment and have you with me as I dance in connection – both intimate and friend to find a brighter horizon.
I legitimise my own creation. It is enough.