Will I ever get better?

Another from the vault. Also unpublished and still so very apt in my journey:

The question that stings right to the heart. Being able to feel, process and know simultaneously there are people in more pain, discomfort and hardship than me, whilst at the same time others are ignorant of the struggles I face.

Against myself.


I, the enemy.

I, the multitudes of years and of unions and of past lives and of future


I, the static to your everyday life

I, the cancer


I do not know.

I do not know why I ache


Why every time I let go the more I shut down

Why my knowing is absorbed in the ignorance of being


Of seeing visions

Through madness


Why any step forward feels like a gun to the head


Steps towards the future

A career




In time

In origin

In multiplicity







The blood that courses through my veins


Desperate to cut through


To feel alive

I am not dying

I am in stasis

I know not where I go



Raw insurgency

Turns me in onto myself


I want you

Almost as much

As I want him






State of affairs






Will I get better?

At what?


My heart bleeds

To know not


But this I do

I want my days to count


My life, my love

My hopes for your

My story to be told


So if I may be bold

Let me share

This journey

However long

Alongside you


I am really scared. After almost a year of hospital appointments, I don’t feel closer to an answer


 Why is my body fighting itself

How can I step away from the ties that bind


The trauma

That is life.

The cards handed to me


My case is not more or less than other people.

I am not special.


And yet I hope beyond hope of a sense of


Letting go


I know that there is some journey ahead

But facing me

Silent mind turning

Inwards screaming


May the dust settle

May the focus come

I do not want to miss out


Neither do I want to miss

This life of mine

That is my own


Fear abounds

Love surrounds

And in you, on life, I trust.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *