Will I ever get better?

Another from the vault. Also unpublished and still so very apt in my journey:

The question that stings right to the heart. Being able to feel, process and know simultaneously there are people in more pain, discomfort and hardship than me, whilst at the same time others are ignorant of the struggles I face.

Against myself.

 

I, the enemy.

I, the multitudes of years and of unions and of past lives and of future

Co-existing

I, the static to your everyday life

I, the cancer

 

I do not know.

I do not know why I ache

 

Why every time I let go the more I shut down

Why my knowing is absorbed in the ignorance of being

 

Of seeing visions

Through madness

 

Why any step forward feels like a gun to the head

 

Steps towards the future

A career

Alien

Scattered

 

In time

In origin

In multiplicity

 

Hospital

Operation

Specialists

ENOUGH

 

The blood that courses through my veins

Surges

Desperate to cut through

 

To feel alive

I am not dying

I am in stasis

I know not where I go

 

Friction

Raw insurgency

Turns me in onto myself

 

I want you

Almost as much

As I want him

 

Better

Bitter

 

Continuum

State of affairs

 

Limitless

Limiting

Limited

 

Will I get better?

At what?

 

My heart bleeds

To know not

 

But this I do

I want my days to count

 

My life, my love

My hopes for your

My story to be told

 

So if I may be bold

Let me share

This journey

However long

Alongside you

 

I am really scared. After almost a year of hospital appointments, I don’t feel closer to an answer

 

 Why is my body fighting itself

How can I step away from the ties that bind

 

The trauma

That is life.

The cards handed to me

 

My case is not more or less than other people.

I am not special.

 

And yet I hope beyond hope of a sense of

Surrender

Letting go

 

I know that there is some journey ahead

But facing me

Silent mind turning

Inwards screaming

 

May the dust settle

May the focus come

I do not want to miss out

 

Neither do I want to miss

This life of mine

That is my own

 

Fear abounds

Love surrounds

And in you, on life, I trust.

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