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In the moment: stream of consciousness

How to accept I’m in a really bad situation right now and make the most of it creatively and flowingly instead of pushing and fighting.

Good people find themselves in hard times. I think unconsciously there’s still a belief that I bought this on myself that I deserve to be punished. So I worry more what it says about me that I’m experiencing this rather than committing wholeheartedly to feeling where I’m at and that then passing.
From that position I’m hoping the answers of what to do will come. But I hope some other people come alongside me and help me get practical or offer practical support so I don’t have to reach out and ask all of the time. I guess I don’t trust that will happen so I keep on whirlwinding through without a plan per se. So although I got in a general sense of direction and can evolve it as we go along, it’s exhausting.
I wish people would offer to come visit or pick me up so there is a partnership to help me be here and choose to be here freely rather than feeling like a sense of endurance or trapped here. And I wish people would offer to help me sort out my garage to enable me to feel safe in my choice to store my belongings there or help me troubleshoot.
And I wish people would understand that although I get they are busy, what I am longing for is their company to help make my perspective broader and be reflected back to me I can do this and I am not alone in this with me not always have to ask for my needs to be met when I feel guilty for doing so. And I enjoy their company as they are.
That people being secure in their emotional state will know what will help and/ or how to ask me what will help rather than me constantly having to do the work. Or give unsolicited advice from the projection of their discomfort.
I have felt I need to be good enough and please/ care enough for people to first love me and it has stopped me from receiving the unconditional love that overflows and in present in my life. Mainly because I have felt so overwhelmingly alone in this.
I am not anxious when I trust myself and feel empowered in my process. I just don’t know how to find that state of resilience right now or boost it when I feel so alone and unsafe.
But I acknowledge those feelings, know they are valid responses to the situation I am facing, although I don’t know how to feel that acceptance just yet and do need others people to help me know it is ok to feel valid. But I know I need that external reflection/ validation a lot less and I have been  doing a lot to ameliorate the crisis.
I just wish I knew sooner what the lesson was and how to influence the situation more towards green pasture rather than just feeling at the mercy and victim of circumstance. But I feel that’s coming. And back to acceptance.
In this moment I am feeling tearful, trapped, isolated, alone, exhausted, uncertain and sad but also proud of myself for writing this and more hopeful as well as more able to breathe acceptance into it rather than fight it. My first in the moment writing.
So more it be.

Belated posting…but relevant: List for Kinky Santa

Dear Santa,

It’s me…Kitten. Just to say…I’ve been ever so good this year. It’s been hard and lonely…but I’ve got myself through. Even took myself to California as a precursor to the Year of Love rainbow sparkles boosting extravaganza that 2017 is expected to be…but in order to do this…I kinda need your help.

Having been blooming in the desert for the past 4 years…I’ve learnt a lot. In my function as an oasis, but what I also, in turn, need to grow. This year alone I have been able to become more forward in general but also specifically ask for what I want and need. Which then leads me to the following…I know you’re a good man and will help me out…especially since there’s a Unicon vibrator at stake!

I believe my community, tribe, resonance and visible-making kin are out there. My rainbow beings and my reflection hope for the future.

Pleasure, light and love.

Kitten.

Kitten’s list

· Daddy Dom
To help me with routines, being kind to myself and especially setting homework about my attitude towards self pleasure and tracking my cycle. Special interest in separating my sexually exploring middle from my non sexual little – reclaiming that part of my erotic development. But also the idea of being bred by Daddy is fucking hot.

· Pet handler/ wrangler
I don’t like the binary of D/s. I find it too limiting…I need the physicality…the threat of being overpowered and the releasing of the importance of words and verbal communication. And wrestling…I really enjoy being thrown about. For too long I’ve shaped my identity around being hypervigilant and clever and not around my senses. I want to let that go. To be forced to obey and surrender to my lust, framing the world through the inputs and delighting in my sensual nature.

I am built for pleasure, for taking and for ravaging. It’s time to lay aside logic and be moulded and shaped by the ache between my legs. And to bring the Pet Shop to life.

· Network of servicemen
This is covered in more detail in a separate post as I’m actively seeking to recruit. But I want a tribe of people to call upon at core parts of my cycle. Those not afraid of getting their red wings at certain times or fulfilling the biological imperative of life calling to life at others. I need to be serviced regularly, to delight in and own my high drive. And to work through my fear of worshipping cock.; to meld with others as part of our devotion to the cause or at events and fulfil my bucket lists rather than hide them away for a rainy day. I want sex in that rain and to let go and let them in.

· Forced lactation
The idea of breeding, fertility and being defined my biology excites and frightens me…but having had a few play experienced of forced lactation…its something I want to explore further. These breasts are made for nurturing and I want that deep rooted craving to be fed. To delve into the conservative nature of my past and transmute the fear of baby making into alchemical gold

· Dollification
I am female born, female raised and female framed. I want to no longer hide my curves away and am incredibly interested in the idea of hyperfeminization and dollification. To come back into my skin and feel comfortable there but then taken to the heights of objectification where all that matters is the contrast between the curve of my breast and the compactness of my waist.. To be your muse, your sex slave, the epitome of your desire. For it is in that I come home to myself.

· Race play – Sahib
It is only through contrast am I wholly visible. Being second generation Indian and off white passing…I often disappear. I am heavily drawn to race play and serving a white Sahib through the nature of my inferior breeding and function as a furthering of the labour force. Either as a brood mare, odalisque or if Sahib pleases manual labour but I also know where my strengths lie – as confidante or between my legs. But it’s been a long time since I was put in my place.

· Mentor/ disciplinarian
I need containing. I have survived what I have been through by being a whirlwind. I am intense and I know how to own that. But in the fact of containment, of self-assuredness, I melt. I want to be met, disciplined and captured.

· Mommy
I need a Mommy to brush my hair, tell me how beautiful I am and initiate me into the joys of being delighted in. To spank my bottom when I am not being precocious and turning myself down to fit into how other people see me. To walk with me in this path of being a strong woman and provide solace in time of need.

· Big sister types
I am the eldest child. A pioneer with no one to follow. And I desperately need space for my middle to be able to learn from big sisters how to please the boys and also each other. To not be afraid of cunt – my own and others and to please, pleasure and taste/

· Friends to do things with
I adore the videogames munch. I’m a terrible button pusher…but it was great to just hang out with kinky folks doing activities I enjoy. I am on a quest to find out what I like doing for the sake of doing it and so just having people to explore life with would be ace.

And finally…

· A unicorn vibrator.
A unicorn naturally needs a unicorn toy. And I tend to break mine…my pelvic floor is that strong…it happens. But as this exists…I want it.

Final note…

These are all fantasies rooted in the paramount security of emotional literacy, safe sex and my worth and humanity. I want to cultivate deep connections so as to surrender. There are people I believe out there for whom this does not need to be said…but as I am posting this publically…just to cover this. This process will not be rushed and yes I want it all, but my imagination is wide and I know I deserve it. Don’t we all get to wish for what we want.

Happy Kitten. Big love. Big heart. Big desire.

The Order of the Capers of Kitten – Network of Servicemen role profile

Wanted especially – Ringmaster General:

· Can be shared role or rolling.
· Keep Kitten grounded and emotionally processing. I’m not particularly good at being verbal during play so this is something I need homework in working on, especially also keeping my eyes open.
· Reminding me of my value and sacrosanct humanity. I can only let go into degradation once this is secure and stable.
· Being vigilant during group scenes. There is no space here for people to get carried away or break the rules. I need to trust.

All servicemen must be:

· Emotionally literate and respectful. This is all about self-care and the release of shame to boost the happiness quotient of the universe and spread rainbow sparkles.
· Not afraid of being physical and holding space for me to let go. I need to meld with people who know how to show up for themselves.
· Understand the importance of going slow and foreplay. This Kitten gets very wet with a licking and although my cunt gets quite demanding…rush in I get dry.
· Responsible – frequent testing and commitment to safe sex.
· Have some kind of belief system to bring consciousness to this social experiment.
· Adventurous journeymen to help me fulfill my bucket list and inspiring my writing material in the launch of the business next year.
· Commitment to servicing me at least once a month where possible, maybe more frequently.

Kitten’s favourites

· Special red wings duty – my drive is almost as high on my period as when I’m ovulating
· Understanding of releasing chronic pain. I’m more likely to head towards being your 3-hole slut if I’m not tense – especially in my jaw. Nothing comes by force – certainly not me.
· Tutoring me in putting on condoms. I kinda like the idea of being able to do that with my mouth
· Added incentives to help me track my cycle – hands on testing of my fertility and breeding fantasies material.
· Emergency call out bonuses – help me help you. Brave Kitten wants to do more booty calls.

How this all works?

With the right ingredients, anything is possible. Will be working on revised bucket lists over Christmas, but want to start getting a feel for people to join the Order.

The Order of the Capers of Kitten – Preliminary questing questions

1) Is there life outside the bedroom for you? What makes you tick?

I wear many hats and am heading towards setting up my own writing practice and several businesses. Socially, I enjoy karaoke, pool, bowling, theatre, movies as well as being touristy and scenic. I have an N64 and some board games. I enjoy reading, 5USA and travelling. I am especially partial to sunshine, autumn leaves and snow. I keep active; enjoy swimming and especially the feeling of running water over my skin.

I am a conversationalist. The best way to my cunt is through my ears, so show me your world. I also enjoy cuddles, wrestling, good food (especially chocolate, yes both types) and drink (a rosé wine girl at heart) and being taken roughly. Also deep philosophical conversations into the night, preferably by a roaring fire.

Ultimately, I want my band of merry men to cause chaos in the heart of Toryville so having things in common to talk about is essential. Social meeting is mandatory. My time is precious as is my safety. Being primal, I’m highly protective of my lair as any cat is.

2) Do you have any unsuspecting partners?

No, I have been solo poly for the past 8 years. My first priority is my relationship with myself framed with an absolute territorial attitude towards my space and my agency. As in I have the freedom to explore connections however they manifest, centred on mutual consent, safety and exploration. But I am ultimately looking for community, soulidarity and inspiration – hence the quest. Ethics are what drives me and although I dwell in the shadows and filth – being on the fetish scene for 8 years and kinky as fuck – there is no room for secrecy here. Ties that bind and tie me up welcome if freedom to play is given by those that matter to you. And no, I’m not submissive, I just like being thrown about.

I do not think this is the wrong place to be looking for depth and due process as the swinging scene is founded on rapport, social scene and thinking/ talking about sex. I have a high drive and know how to make use of it, but it’s the vibe that counts. Which although pretty words on the Internet go a long way to gauge rapport, I want to know the substance of you before we play. This is my creative inspiration at stake and so I need to know I can trust you.

3) Do you get tested regularly?

Yes, as part of my commitment to myself I go to the GUM clinic every 3-6 months as part of self care or more frequently if I have a higher period of partner turnover. I see being conscious about testing as a way of responsible adulting and expect people I am fucking to have similar principles.

4) Do you understand the importance of protected sex?

I’m not looking to birth actual children yet, just literary progeny. I enjoy the art of wrapping and skyns are actually quite pleasurable. The only time there have been problems is when the guy wasn’t hard enough and there’s always something you can do about that.

Protected sex is non negotiable. And it sets off an alarm if you even ask about barebacking.

5) Are you comfortable with period sex?

Yes, when I’m in flow I find that I have a secondary hormonal spike and I like to make use of that. Not to mention that sex is helpful for the back cramps.

I’m aware not everyone is comfortable, but sex is a messy business. I am charting my cycle, I know when my heavy days are and much prefer the actual state of being in flow to the expansive biological imperative of ovulation.

I’ve been tracking for 4 years now…I definitely know when to call on my band of merry men. Especially when they understand the emotional elemental shifts of the creative spiral.

Also looking for big sister types. I’ve been ever so good this year so I’ve had the ear of Kinky Santa. I don’t have a lot of experience with women…would love to know more about you beautiful creatures. And be taught how to please the boys more.

6) How do you like to boost the happiness quotient of the universe?

Creativity and fluidity run though my veins and they are cemented in the importance of equality and celebrating female sexuality. I do identify as a feminist and am committed to making the world not only safer but also emotionally literate. The personal is political and this quest represents my choice to enjoy the freedom and the privilege I have to be able to delight in my own happiness and lust.

Why sexual freedom is important – entry for the Woodhull Sexual Freedom Summit

It’s 6.30am on a Sunday and I sit in bed in my unicorn onesie; with my new teddy bear Sapphire Pride, trying to step aside for the words to flow. To be able to articulate in something lasting why it’s not just freedom as an aim that’s important, but the ache of knowing that in order to fully enjoy freedom; we must understand what it truly means to be free. I find verbally processing more accessible and technology scares me; but I like the nudge of a challenge.

What drives me is the dichotomy of being interconnected and yet disparate; holding space for how the meta level affects the personal and vice versa. But how often does everyone use the words choice, consent and capacity – but do we really know what they mean? To me, capacity utilises a cognitive marker and often misses emotional stressors. Choice requires synergy of cognitive and emotional processing whereas consent fundamentally requires clarity of where I begin and end especially emotionally and confidence in that to freely engage in something rather than under some unconscious imperative.

I have been weaving rainbows for the past eight years, a flickering sparkle in being able to distinguish and process trauma; but also encouraging solace and soulidarity in amongst my community at large in order to find those more in resonance with myself. And my hope is that we truly begin to hold space for each other and for ourselves. So people are not so afraid of themselves that they make light of their wounding or that people are no longer traumatised in the face of someone hurting and that we can channel safety in the storm of pain. That self care and emotional literacy are bedrocks of our alternative community lifestyle. Personal responsibility is our hymn sheet, but also revelling in the privilege of being adults, making empowered choices.

So what has all of the above got to do with sexual freedom? It’s not about liberation or even being more aware. It’s about listening. To the aching heart beat of the human race who longs to be in connection, intimate and trusting; and yet has never learnt how to be enough in their own on their own. The privilege of being able to recognise and learn to meet our own needs to the best of our ability is a fundamental step in this freedom which then leads to the consciousness of being in tune with other people; increasingly important in the face of a divisive agenda where we are bombarded with reasons to hate and not love; destroy and not care – even neglecting ourselves to curry favour.

My hope for the future is that people head deeper into that space of self care, rest and resilience. Not assuming people know how to do these fundamental skills or that all alternative sexuality is couple centric. We are in relationship with one; ourselves – before we even think about being more than two. That the beautiful, potent creative force that is our sexuality is given space to flow, weave, create and spread rainbow sparkles in all of its diverse glory.

And I want to be part of that. Of Woodhull; to grow more confident, determined and efficient in my choices about how I operate in this world, who I let into my body and how I see myself from within and without. Holding space for the embodied consent to life, joy and pleasure even in the grief, sadness and rage that reminds us we are human.

For it is in being alone in that; do we remember we are all together.

The call of the feral wildcat

I identify as primal.

I find that sensual headspace easy to access…especially at different parts of my cycle where the veil parts more easily and also when the drums are drumming and the beat is pounding; or something in the air.  Like a resplendent propensity for trance or seismic shift in consciousness with the sleight of hand of a magician.

The thrill of the chase,  my pulse beating through my wrists; my world being reduced down to a single focus – where smell, taste and vision all collide and pare down to one sole alignment. Sentient sensual sensing satisfaction.

That palpable weight in the bottom of my stomach. I’ve ached for it. Overpowering me, forcing me; down.

I’ve missed spreading my legs for pleasure,  for the greater good; for purpose. I’ve missed the heat in my lungs and the growl in the air; and the resonance of meeting those who get it.

That boundaries and oneness are sacrosanct; that the act itself of consciously presenting and holding space for that oxymoron is possible. That my pleasure is my pleasure is of service to the divine.

I do not want to give up so easily despite knowing the cost of dancing with the god of lust, my frontiers are highly defended.

Yet the past week; since the tipping of the year into the heart of fertility – Beltaine, she calls to me. Reminding me of the pirates to run away with, of the call of the wild, of my kin.

The untamed spoils of life still to be named and explored. Bushy again, my sense of self shifts towards that feral wildcat. Encased in the hourglass body of a femme I’ve long been hiding away – shapeshifter, changeling, I edge forward into my last week of this experiment….not knowing about ending and integrating yet but trusting that I will do so.

My autonomy is my own to give. Whether I do or not…She knows.

 

 

Alone

‘So, now alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. The thing to remember is, if we’re all alone, then we’re all together in that too.

It helps me sometimes’

I’ve had a bad day. Physically a lot of stress is passing through, emotional processing and trust issues. There’s been no energy to make plans for the future or know how to let new people in, or if I want to.

The thing is, how I am feeling or how I have felt is not static. Just because I have had a bad day does not take away from the privilege it is to have a series of films to fall back on. I have a shelf of them – of life lessons in visual form that speak to me .

PS I love you has been one of my gotos since I saw it in the cinema with an ex. Although I can’t relate entirely to the emotional content directly as I still have my father and have not had a man I love die on me; although several have left.

The above quote sums up the film for me. Patricia is the main character’s mother who had to just get on with things when her husband left with 2 children to look after and used that anger to keep on going when she saw her daughter head for the life she had (her words not mine). Despite this, the insight of fluidity and bigger picture thinking still remains up there in all of the movies I have seen. If we are all alone, then we must be together. There is huge comfort in that.

I have given myself permission to rest and recuperate today. It has been hard as I had to cancel work stuff and also possibly postpone my tattoo ritual. I have felt very alone and unsure of myself. But a larger sense of compassion has arisen – both for self and the situation I am preparing myself for closure for tomorrow.

So ahead I go, not knowing the exact direction, but trusting that not only will others come alongside me on the way, but I will also be my constant companion. Looking after myself the best I can even if the flat is a mess.

There is a lot more I want to talk about from this film and why it is so important to me, especially as Ireland provides Holly with her own chrysalis, but for now sleep.

And to my wounded and grieving heart I say:

I see you, I hold space for you and it will get better.

PS I love you.

The Chastity collection: an introduction

Three months…long enough to change a habit…to evaluate life and certainly long enough to be a challenge.

I’ve always toyed with the idea of chastity, celibacy….but never had probable cause to. Or the right incentive. With religious connotations or the necessity of a power dynamic as a legitimiser; I felt conflicted. Being staunchly labelled as someone with a problem with authority and also mixed messages at being at the mercy of my drive or somehow oversexed…this topic was heavily laden.

And yet, ever since I read an article in Look Magazine entitled ‘Why women like you are joining the new celibacy club’ an idea had been planted; although I never managed to track down the Prim and Proper Pussy Club – something that still appeals.

It’s hard, however, to separate this story from the assault and the spectre of the anguish and many-time breached boundaries. Or on the other hand, the tale of the self-marriage and naming ceremony on the 7th year anniversary of my graduation and the renewal of those vows. Or even setting aside the well trodden othering of my femality and wanting define my own standards…even exploring feminization.

There are a number of pieces to dissect and create with on this journey; especially mourning the collapse of the relationship that was an offering to the goal of autonomy and embodiment, but also the glimpse of unconditional love I had felt from the man I thought I was going to marry.

‘The tale of the little un-icorn that was’ will also seek to weave some more of my disparate threads together as I wend my way towards a relationship contract with myself, making friends with solitude and my cunt; although not necessarily in that order, as well as framing my existence as liminal and preparing the way for a digital detox to hold more space for this creative space.

I promise no linear reporting as it has been hard enough to write this 2 months in. But I am grateful for the opportunity to breathe life into this experiment and have you with me as I dance in connection – both intimate and friend to find a brighter horizon.

I legitimise my own creation. It is enough.

 

 

Will I ever get better?

Another from the vault. Also unpublished and still so very apt in my journey:

The question that stings right to the heart. Being able to feel, process and know simultaneously there are people in more pain, discomfort and hardship than me, whilst at the same time others are ignorant of the struggles I face.

Against myself.

 

I, the enemy.

I, the multitudes of years and of unions and of past lives and of future

Co-existing

I, the static to your everyday life

I, the cancer

 

I do not know.

I do not know why I ache

 

Why every time I let go the more I shut down

Why my knowing is absorbed in the ignorance of being

 

Of seeing visions

Through madness

 

Why any step forward feels like a gun to the head

 

Steps towards the future

A career

Alien

Scattered

 

In time

In origin

In multiplicity

 

Hospital

Operation

Specialists

ENOUGH

 

The blood that courses through my veins

Surges

Desperate to cut through

 

To feel alive

I am not dying

I am in stasis

I know not where I go

 

Friction

Raw insurgency

Turns me in onto myself

 

I want you

Almost as much

As I want him

 

Better

Bitter

 

Continuum

State of affairs

 

Limitless

Limiting

Limited

 

Will I get better?

At what?

 

My heart bleeds

To know not

 

But this I do

I want my days to count

 

My life, my love

My hopes for your

My story to be told

 

So if I may be bold

Let me share

This journey

However long

Alongside you

 

I am really scared. After almost a year of hospital appointments, I don’t feel closer to an answer

 

 Why is my body fighting itself

How can I step away from the ties that bind

 

The trauma

That is life.

The cards handed to me

 

My case is not more or less than other people.

I am not special.

 

And yet I hope beyond hope of a sense of

Surrender

Letting go

 

I know that there is some journey ahead

But facing me

Silent mind turning

Inwards screaming

 

May the dust settle

May the focus come

I do not want to miss out

 

Neither do I want to miss

This life of mine

That is my own

 

Fear abounds

Love surrounds

And in you, on life, I trust.