Themsrebelsaint.com: interconnectedness – a study of life
This is my first attempt at explaining and introducing universal relativism/ liminality. This will do for now as a place holder.
I am attempting to write this when I should be sleeping. I live under the concerns of the shoulds, expectations and yet have been learning to listen for that little voice that kinda gets louder when I’ve been missing something…until I grind to a halt and I find myself looking at the bullet points I’ve written in my notebook and wondering how I can make some sort of sense out of what appears to be a varied and wide ranging list of objections. The above title is in fact my attempt at a compromise.
I acknowledge I have many interests: polyamory, ‘women’s’ issues, trans*, development, queerly vision, making the world a better place, being creative, being authentic, reality as an Aspie, kink, consent….amongst many others. It often does feel like I am pulled in assorted directions which can allow for a lack of focus; But through the process of mulling this over I have realised they all have something in common: me.
This then raises a secondary problem:
What do I have that is worth saying? Who would want to listen and what am I going to say that is going to be different from all of the hundreds of blogs out there on a variety of subjects. Despite my articulateness, confidence is not necessarily one of my strong points, although I put the mask on with aplomb. I often dive into causes or appear to lose myself in things. 2016 is, however, a fresh start for me, a chance to actually move from position of socialised object into actually ascertaining how the world spins, sits and moves for me.
I am an all or nothing person ‘by trade’ – definitely a developed coping strategy rather than by nature as it limits the amount of choice you have to contend with but also can be counter productive. It takes me a long time (currently) to be able to get things out of my head (where I am in control of all of it) onto paper. I am a conversationalist like my father but also I believe that is partly to do with a reliance on other people to make sense of the world rather than face a blank piece of paper head on. The whole process of editing my writing or poetry is seen to be a personal affront as the perfectionist in me is adamant that everything is as it is meant to be when it finally leaves my sanctum – despite the fact that planning in this form is not my forte (I am however the logistics queen on occasion).
There does appear to be many double-edged swords in the quest for self-expression. I have felt silenced, like a lot of mixed race, gender questioning, former Christian people….but on top of this forming my own identity outside of my family unit and the shadow of my parents. Forming an identity as a creative black sheep, I was taken aback in my late teens/early 20s that my mother not only began to start writing poetry and plays: but she was actually pretty good at it! As soon as that started, I noticed a distinct shutting down of something inside of me, albeit contending with a personal whirlwind of which I am only just emerging from.
I wonder if this all or nothing mentality and somewhat urgency as wanting to be taken as a-part from especially my mother has been an unconscious driving force for my exploration and additional self-censorship. Shame and silencing are consequences that have been motivators of my re-socialisation process and a reluctance to accept the status quo has often led to the ‘problem with authority’ label. I understand that my communication is somewhat cryptic…but I am hoping that through practise and clarity gleaned through settling; that which I am trying to say will become clear. It is almost as if there has been a fog separating me from mine and I am hoping that through this process of creative autonomy that which will be found will allow for some integration.
We are called to be experts of our past and masters of our future.
And yet the journey begins with one step: mine.